my last entry.
 
tat all for now.

gone all the sadness and happiness.

thx u for all ur comments and well wishes

i wish u all fine and God Bless.

Cheers.

 

exam over and it reali sucks big time.

and now it hols. But im glad it not so bad after all... :)

while counting down to fasting month soon..i shall enjoy as much as i can..

Last Mon after attending my LSCN (LIfe Support CArdiac for Nurses) lectures,

spent some time watching 4bia, a Thai horror show at AMK Hub alone..

oh yesh i watch it alone...

and it no kidding..to watch it alone..i got reali scared and screaming silently...

and end up closing my eyes as i cant stand the shock.

But the movie was great though



Comprises of 4 30mins show..

Happiness - where u msg an unknown...tot u can gain a companionship but turn out to be a ....
 Tit for Tat - the most grusome part of the movie... involved cursed paper and taking revenge due to bullying a poor boy...
In The Middle - where 4 best frens went camping, and one foolish sayin 'If i die,i will haunt the one sleeping in the middle".. soon an accident occur while water rafting and..... the twist happen.

and save the best for the last.. 

Last Fright - a flight attendant kena perform her duty, being alone on a flight with a dead Princess... and soon.. nyehehehehe
This one reali sucked my blood dry sia...

if i were to watch this show wid Squidy,confirm she will aggrevate my fear by giving me more shock during the movie or if wid my another buddy, she will throw the popcorn at me (or i throw at her..)

and moral of the story..no way i wanna watch a horror show alone. ever. 

still i dun regret.

when i tot i m goin to have a very meaningful and a fun last year in school

however i was wrong. very wrong indeed.

ever since sth happened back last march...

things have gone worst and worsen.

my life in Year 3 was very much cocked up.

and i lost my 2 very dear frends.

i tried and means to get back together.. but i failed.

i was very much disappointed with them. with myself

i thus found myself drifted further and further from them

and i lost them along the way. is it reali one big hurting on me. 

i still have tears fresh in my eyes.

i dunno wat else to do or say.

i have lost soo much along the way. 

to the both of you... u guys have come accidental in my life... have left so much prints all over myself.. and now u walked out on me.
was i reali bad enough as a frend that u cant even tolerate me animore and hate me??

was i reali horrible enuff that u cant see into my eyes when facing me?

was i reali a big stone.. that u cant even feel how much pain i was when u guys were not around and can no longer feel how much i love u both.

i just feel that my memories in nyp was stained. badly.

sumhow..should i look bad.. was i very stupid to quit my life as an en and join nyp and faced such a life now?

had i noe this will happen. im very much will not join the sch.

and now many harsh words and ideas being thrown to me... 

wat do u want me to say?

seriously what do you want me to do?

all this was enuff to kill me as a person.

and now i reali dun want to go back to sch. im finding ways to quit sch

and im reali tinkin hard.. should i even be in this career???

or should i just phuckin die?

i dunno wat will happen tmr.,next week and exams.. i cant even study.

all i can say is Year 3 was a year i will not remember. Never look back upon.

and to the both of you.... i have try to be the best to be a good frend to u both. im not perfect. i had both my up and down and this is my downfall. how i reali wish both of you had pulled me out from the mess i was in.  i noe i cause u both so much hurt and disappointment. and would u ever trust me when i say i dun want that to happen??? And that i was much still regards u guys as my buddies till today, would u have believe my words???

and if u still want to bid me goodbye, i reali got nothin to say. except the tears and the memories lingers in me.

this week,is gonna be the last week of school,before exams

the last weeks of labs and lectures in NYP.

times flies very fast.

And now, i left few more months... to officially graduate from NYP and back to where im formely from.

and i serious feel.. the pix taken below..was only yest???

2 years back..



(during my bike theory lesson where i happily posing my NYP acceptance letter)

the sweet happiness moment still remain fresh in my memories

after rejection and rejection... and got push from ayu to retry

i finally made in the poly. 
Often i tink...im gonna be one of the oldest kids in my class.. can i get along with the ppl? will i have prob fitting it? can i cope again in studyin? will i have good frends there??

i had thousand of worries and questions in my brain. but i just dun care and carry on..coz i worked hard and i noe this is wat i want.

so after a round of my farewell session with my ward colleagues & celebration with ayu & kash 

off i headed to NYP..

with my colleagues words in my brain " study well syima. i noe u can be a good SN."



and when i saw my class... i almost fainted. yes..i reali wanted to faint!

cause i was surrounded by so many smart o level grads... i was reali feelin inferior and small sia..

and i tot.. i will not have any frends.. esp lookin that my class were mostly chinese and our first lunch during orientation was a disaster...

and when Jess approached me after the round of intro.... and me deciding to sit next to this girl who sat alone and she look pretty decent.. and found out that her name was Puja (and my first impression of her was.. she stuck up??.. haha)

i noe this gonna change my life. and that they come into my life for a reason. 



(first pix of Jessica)


 (the first class in-complete pix)

i know i was wrong. Yes they maybe smart. very smart.. but i must say.. this class was the most incredible class i ever seen.

all of us were very much united.. irregardless of races,background, colour,nationality... etc etc..

and trust me when i say.. i have never encountered such a unity before thru out my school life.

As wat Jess reminds me on our 1st week together, "our class is so good..they are all ok!"

and both of us included Mei Leng, was the respected ones in the class.

everywhere i go, i sure pull along jess. and soon Puja join us to form a trio rodents.

we slowly get to noe one another.. having fun wid one another.. seeing our crazy class antics..

helping thru each other group's icas...

and then...tragedy struck me.

thruout the nonsense i had halfway thru my year 1 wid some close ppl in my life.. Puja & Jess never failed to leave me and helping me,makin sure i can pull thru and get on wid my schooling

despite that... we continue to have fun..finishing Year 1 and heading to Year 2.. wid more challenges ahead.



(our first chalet..that got many of us wet!!)


still remember the days we went to NYDC at Suntec.. where Puja threw the darm wet tissues paper on me while at cubicle.

pulling the joke on Puja sayin dat i push Jess down the escalator..

Puja & me pour the blue invisible ink on Jess at lib that got her screaming.

oh yesh..when the 3 of us involved... we did many many many crazy things together.

and it was such a waste i didnt got to spent the times wid them too much in year 2.. when im down wid sooo many CCA commitments.. that got me skipping classes..

wid StageArts Drama & TMT and Rotaract Club.. got me reali involve in school activities and making more frends,giving me many many learning experiences.





and with too much stress... its no suprising when i was down wid gastric for the 2nd time and admited.

and i was very touched by my class gestures to get me a DIY get well soon card & wishes and pay me a visit..

which till today, i hang the card proudly on my room



as for icas group..before jess & puja join me, i have my 2 loyal mates,clarabelle and sha sha.. whom have been faithfully stick to my group since yr 1 sem 2. they must have seen and tolerate all my nonsense, crazy ideas and watch each other grow.. 

thx a lot clarabelle and sha sha. i reali own u guys one. 





and i had a lots of memories with my classmates... all the impromptu outings, stupid stunts in sch etc etc...



complete class pix

until... my world came crashing down.. just before Year 3.

i found this test @ angie's blog

and it look interesting hence i wanna try it..

and this is wat i got..

a social realist.that me.



Social Realists are popular persons full of energy. They are reliable, well organized and helpful. Traditional values are important to them. Founding a family also plays a central role in their life. Social Realists have a marked social streak. They are always ready to listen to the worries and problems of others and spare no effort when they are asked for help. With empathy and understanding, they can sense what other people need. Social Realists are always willing to highly regard the strong points of the other person and to excuse that person’s weaknesses. They are the most sociable of all personality types. Social contacts are very important to them.

Social Realists find it very difficult to cope with conflicts and criticism - harmony is their elixir of life. Acknowledgement and esteem are very important to this type. Differentiation on the other hand is not necessarily one of their strong points. At work and in partnerships, they are loyal, committed and always there when needed. They find it easy to make friends due to their open, warm manner and they have a large circle of friends. In love, they are faithful and attentive and care for their partners with a great deal of imagination and sensitivity. Social Realists show their feelings openly and honestly. Should a relationship break up, they tend to blame themselves. That is why they find it very difficult to end a partnership even if it has not fulfilled their requirements for some time.

Social Realists are more conservative types. They have a set system of values and rules which is orientated to the prevailing traditions. They prefer clear, structured surroundings and work processes; they find too much change und unrest unpleasant. Their strong points are carefulness and reliability and not so much flexibility and spontaneity. Social Realists are open-minded towards anything new only to a limited extent. But, should one be looking for someone to fulfil a task reliably and exactly, they are the right persons.

Adjectives which describe your type

extroverted, practical, sentimental, planning, emotional, temperamental, energetic, tradition-conscious, loyal, helpful, devoted, reliable, caring, objective, thorough, organised, warm-hearted, open, friendly, sociable, chummy, obliging, self-sacrificing, public-spirited, sensitive, kind, demanding

These subjects could interest you

honorary work, parties, going out, music, hiking, cooking, craftwork, nature, literature






i must say..mostly it is true.. sob sob

im reali sick

i just noe.. there is sth reali not right

and now its all induce to either im having a hormones imbalance thta cause all my emotions running

or either im risk of early dementia or simply im suffering from depression episode.

or worst, there is sth in my brain.. with all the symptoms im having

a blood test and a ct scan will determine wat im reali having.

so is tis? the REAL cause that cost me lose all my happiness, and my frends??

and now i noe im reali dying soon

good for me. good for all of us

after school today,met up with my old colleagues, June and Yap-ster. 
hehe im so happy to see that finally they are officially together.. after so long... power ah June!! 

and also i was introduced to our occupational therapist, Mabel and met up with June's younger sister, Jolene.
haha i find Mabel so familiar though i had very less encounter with her back at my ward in the past..

and its so cool to meet Jolene after always see her in the pix...

so off we went to NYDC for dinner... my first time in NYDC was wid Puja & Jess...

where i had encounter with Puja, throwing the wet tissue on me while i was inside the toilet cubicle..

... so now this is my 2nd time... and yeah all those memories i was there wid Puja & Jess came..while waiting for the gang to come..

and haha i got my bdae treat from the newly couple. So Sweet ah!

while the rest gone, the couple and me wanted to watch a movie...

ok im not being a lampost here. I was long with them ever since they were single.. so now they are couple, they still enjoy my company.. haha.

unfortunately... no mv to watch as all were late show.. grrr....

so we just walk walk and makin fun of one another.

and gossip abt my "other half"... nah he's a other half to someone else oreadi...

while on wae home at mrt... we bumped into JaJa!! Yay got a company home since she stay at Tamp

so we talk and talk abt the ward.. on the way..

and wow so many new changes happen in my ward

no more procedure tray !!
(wth! i always tot this procedure tray was the most genius as i no need to find my syringe,solutions etc.. whenever i wanna assist in catherization to LP..all within reach sia! )

changes in certain ward layout..

and the best thing... most of my fave ppl are promoted to SSN..power.

hmm i reali strong tempted to go back to my ward as a SN

esp if im doin my PRCP there, i noe i will have lotsa guidance!...

and most likely i will have one of the SSNs as my preceptee...and i cant imagine how would it be if turn out to be Squidy..

it will be like... dream come true? or gonna be freakin hilarious or disaster?? haha i dunno

and the plus advantage.. i noe how is the doctors there..esp style like Kumar or Thomas.

only the MOs will change...

haiz.. i dunno la..coz i feel the cons should i go back there.

i dun even noe wether can i function like a SN..

grrrr....... just see how is my luck

all i can say... i start to smell the life of working..comin back to me.
Soon i hope i will be the pre-morbid me!!

the only difference.. im a freakin SN to be...faint! darn i reali miss my EN days...

and i dunno. should i do it or not?

will i be regret later in my life?

im still staring at the package lyin in front of me.

should i give it to her?? or should i not??

haiz!

" Oh why u r born so beautiful 
oh why u were born at all...

U r no bloody use to anyone
ur no bloody use at all....

Give up ..Give Up
Give Up..Give Up.

Oh why u r born so beautiful 
oh why u were born at all..."

Ever since i join NYP Rotaract Club back in my Year 1 2006, i have never fail to get this infamous Rotaract bdae tradition song being sang to me every July...

the reason : July is a new year for Rotary calender.. hence every July is a busy month for all Rotaractors to attend installation (handover of new board of directors) and attending district assembly/seminars/workshops..

so when attending such events,happen it falls near my b'dae..

so everyone from my club and other club wishes me well and sang me this song,

when the first time they sang to me last yr during the District Assembly at RP,

i was like... oh my god this is such a demoralize song.. 

later then i noe it was a tradition song being sung to rotaractors who celebrate their bdae.. i find it very unique

and this year.. i got mine again,day before my bdae on my last installation as President.
.................................................................

talking abt installation... Yes sah! Im off the board of NYP RAC as the president.. off the throne.

handing over to President Roshini.

oh wait... im sumwhere in the board... as IPP (immediate past president)

but this time round can shake more leg!

and i welcome myself... to be the finance director for RAC Queenstown..

and got a new boss.. chantel.

now vic cant scold me animore... yay!

its time for me to leave the baby which vic and me start it off and raising it

thinkin abt it.. both me and vic reali come very far together.. we start it from scratch together

before angie and jn come to help us..and the rest comes in

and raise it well together wid my team.

everyone done well. im happy and appreciate.

though i can do better.. but its ok. i learn not to be perfectionist and accpet things.

To President Roshini... i noe u reading this

i wish u and ur team well.

may u bring more success to the club. More President Citation and aim for district award this time!

To Angie, Jn.. thx for taking the challenge and walking thru this journey with me. I hope it has been fruitful journey & learning experience

To the rest of my bod..thx u so much for all ur help and effort. i reali enjoy working wid all of you

and to dear vic.. i noe i make the right choice when i approach u at the locker in yr 1, to join rotaract club and eventually ended up
being my vice president and my right hand

and this brought  us more closer to each other..sharing each other up & down 

looking more working together and to more frenship years..adding to our 7 yrs of being frends and buddy.love u girl. 

and to RAC NYP... i wish u luck, time to set sail high.



me and my buddies. im so happy my rodents share the moment with me. :)



RAC Queenstown! Welcome on board...

Happy Birthday to Munirah, Ezzat..... and me.

Im happy to spent my wee bdae morn with dear Vic and Angie, sipping away our drinks.

im touched my beloved BODs suprise me with cake and a watch, after the installation,with a round of birthday song and
the Rotaract bdae song which i never failed to get every year....

and spent my morn wid farhana for yoga & lucheon wid nurani

and several msgs... wishin me happy and well

but im still sad...

coz i miss having my best frends around...

and im sure the suprise delivery i just got were from someone i love...

oh god. just why i have to be like this?
just why i cant keep my loved ones wid me?

just why my loved ones cant stay wid me?

just when i can get my happiness?

i almost kill a cat today...indirectly...

had the cat got knocked and die.. i tink i will also die...

though the cat managed to save itself...

im still a killer... a murderer.


killed my frenship, killed some people love, kill my happiness.

i let some people down.

i make some people cry and hate me.

i killed my mind, my soul 

i killed my dreams and goals.

and i killed myself.

i duno wat im waiting for now..

everything i do now in my life.. i just do for the sake of doin

and i always dream about people who left me.

am i just waiting for people to notice that i have landed myself in a deep mess and that im in trouble and sick

and admit me for depression? personality disorder?

and strip me off from my licence??

i dunno. i reali dunno.

i reali miss my old self. my pre morbid NYP life.. and my life in Yr 1

and i reali miss the ppl in my dreams.

im tired. reali emotionally and mentally exhausted.

counting down

4 days to go.

and im off the throne. hahaha

finally soon i will pass my regalia to my successor

and i will soon start to service to my new boss.. 

time pass fast.

now my term coming to the end.

everything is just so unbearable...

taking a long bus trip from sch is soo unbearable... walking around AMK is soo unbearable

reaching home and get into fights and argue is soo unbearable

and i start to find myself very very unbearable.

seriously i dun even noe whom i am now. when i look myself in the mirror, i dunno who im. i cant recog myself

i dun tink this is hasyimah. I mean is this reali hasyimah u noe??

the one who gave up easily? the one who no longer have her good frends around? the one her best fren hate and cant stand?

the one who no longer motivated to do just anything? the one always being a loner?

the one her family just hate and argue and wish she's dead?

the one who even tink she mite as well be dead and leave this goddarm world??

from the bottom of my heart.. i dun tink this is hasyimah.

then just who am i now??

how i wish when i wake up everyday,its brand new day..and start anew wid everyone..

but i cant.

i cry to sleep. i woke up to cry.
because of the nitemares and dreams i had.

when no one understand me. when i just had no frends to talk to. no close frends to laugh and cry on

and even if i have one fren, whom has no idea wat goin on into me

coz i just afraid i will lose her too.

and when everyone i talk to keep asking me to seek professional help

just who i can turn too??

i seek to God. Allah.

Before i step into the sch, before i sleep and after wake up, when i find myself alone and cryin and feeling very upset,before i start my work and study

i say a prayer for myself

and stop tinkin of commiting a very sinful act.

coz i crumble just like cookie. when all my support is gone.

ppl who used to be my strength and weakness..just simply gone.

how i wish i can be the syimah whom loves to disturb jessica back in sch,disturbin her non stop and irri her

playing wid puja,bully her and pat her head like a small girl

and we both gang up against jess

and entertainin puja wid her neverending quest and stories

me and my lame jokes that make 3 of us end up laughing like hell

that was just the past.

now is we 3 totally different. 3 of us change.

im very much disappointed. i tot they can be frends i bring out of sch and into my life journey. ppl i can trust and close to,share each other up and down.

and being each other bridemaids whne our wedding comes.

just this all got to be happenin.

school only left 3-4 weeks

and we like this.
or shall i say I M LIKE THIS.

im holdin on to a rope..and slowly the rope is thinning amd im slipping away

im crumble like a cookie

cookie that taste very nice and fresh when u savour it
left it open and u get a unfresh, lemau cookie

left it further and it turn bad,

i dunno how long i can last.

i dunno if ppl i love are coming back to me or im comin back to them.

i dunno.

Only Allah noes.

After so many post-poning
last week's thur had a very last min impromptu meeting cum dinner of the Cepuks clan..

mainly coz..Mahnoor's back for a short trip here. And celebrate the Geminis' gerls bdae...

after much debate wid my family coz it was preety late to go down to usual hangout @ Simpang, and was doing my FYP slides...

i brought my lappy...along to meet the girls.. tinkin i can do work there...

so stupid.. "when u meet up wid ur girls,will u still do ur work??"
Duh!

quite a fun meetup.. the most irony funny was that we bump into few ppls..circle of frens that we knew...
(yeah spore is so freakin small..everyone seem connected)



the cepuks finally wid mahnoor and my ite mate, Inda. 



me and my ite mates sri & inda.



the geminis "belated" bdae girls, Nurul, Ju, and Sri


after past wee morn, we decided to squeeze into this car drove by Mr Ath.. down to past OCH and check out Changi Boardwalk

haha mind u.. it was Malam Jumaat sia...(thur nite.. not very good nite for muslims..lots of bad spirits hangin out)

so we squeze like sardin in the car.. though Nurul and Sri didnt join us...

and we walk2 at Changi Boardwalk..very nice and cooling place to relaz... esp for fishing..

such a toot that most of the fisherman there were tuning into this malay Ria programme abt "ghost encounter"
gulp!

sat down and listen to spooky stories abt that place.. 

and picture takin (thx to JN cam!)



the nite walk



see the signboard...mahnoor stood out


and i realise the freakin light structure resembles a chinese dead urn and a malay "batu nisan" (the 2 stone on a muslim grave)

the rest agree.. (we just keep mum until back in the car we discuss abt it) 
more spooky...



Under the "spooky" light

on our way back to car...we did this wannabe commando crawl..lead by Ju, to suprise Mr Ath,as it was start of his bdae

end up while crawling near his car, he start the engine!

as ju was right in front of the car, and me and hana stuck at the bonnet of the car, we callled the stunt off and stand up

coz if not.. we kena knocked down sia...



blur ships



the sleepy cepuks

This week is gonna bethe uni Graduation Day for both cepuk..Ju & NaNa

Wish ya guys happy graduation!!

can we have a group photo shoot so that i can play wid ur "graduation topi" /tassel wateva u call it..hehehe

and hope this weekend Batam getaway  will be smooth

i will have a jam packed weekend! weee

The height of pain in life is to sit near the person
u love d most .....
knowing that the person can neve b urs ...

.........................................................................................................................

i was clearing away sum of my stuff...

and i came across this poem i wrote,together wid this fren of mine, while in sec sch times..

Depression is like a candle in the wind. You can see ur beloved lying there,leaving us alone.
Everything in here seems black & white but not the outside. 
It tastes like a bittergourd.
You can hear mourning everywhere
Everywhere smells the same 
Without her,it wont be the same again

i spent my afternoons busy lookin at all my old old pictures for my upcoming installations and some personal projects..

and i found more n more old memories..

the past was so nice and great.. lookin at my faces,i noe im very happy where i was back then..

and i aso found some pictures which i doubt can ever taken again animore...



last taken at one of random impromtu chalet.

a picture of my and my 2 best friends. Fiza and Ayu.

i dun used the past tense for addressing them coz till today i still regard them as my best close frend

no matter as our frenship was long broken.....

haiz....

its just a sad sad situation...

that leads to all the unhappiness...

but well, i still respect and never forget all the fun and sad we go thru, all the helping me when i need a shouder to cry on.

coz they are,after all, a nice persons and nice frends to be with

maybe sumwhere, i dun deserve to hv them in my life.. or wat.. i dunno..

perhaps i should be to blamed...for all my worries and unhappiness now

if only i can turn back time.

guess this was the last pix taken together... on my 21st bdae..



well i miss celebrating thier bdae togther as both fall on the same week,together wid my sis...



lil ayu.. compiled all her pix for her last 2 yrs bdae..

im so waiting to get this phone.. i just love it

i cant wait to get this...

once i get this..i dun need ipod phone which i wanted to buy..hahaha



SGH i-900

wat i like abt it....

- its a PDA hp (with window mobile and can use ms office suite)
- its a TOUCH SCREEN (just like ipod)
- 16GB internal memory
- got GPS.
-5 megapix camera!!
- and so many barang barang la.

just cant wait......

met up with Farhana. 
my sec sch mate. one of cepuk. ex bike partner (haha we learn bike together sia) & now my nursing comrades..

its been real so long since i last met up with her. 

as i was rather feeling crappy,she decided to meet me up though tired and sleepy wid all the day work at her MICU...

while waiting for her.. i did a solo mini walk... all the way from my place to my old sec sch.. Chai Chee Sec..

and the last time i had such walk... was when i accompanied P to her grandmum's place..

while doin those walks.. all the memories came in..from my sec sch days to my last walk wid P...

i hv never been so alone.

and was glad.. when i saw Hana's bike wheez past me..so don my helmet and off we went to a cafe..

did a catching up.. on her life and my life, and talk abt world of Nursing

and we moved on to talk abt the state i'm in. My Messy World and My Messy Mind

from where i last talk to her abt my prob with A and F... and now comes with P and few others.

and boy...i got a few insight and rather meaningful talks and advices from her.

i must say... nursing makes her reali think logically,rationally and appreciate the world and ppl ard her...

something which i dun even possess it at the moment.. and thru our few hours talks...knocking some sense into me

i convert her meaningful saying and advices that were meant to grill into my head to my own rules.....??

maybe one day, i will blog abt it.

To Hana. thank you very much girl.

..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................